Little Johnny Damon Gets no Respect

Here's a cute little story. Apologies to all my international readers who won't understand it.

Little Johnny Damon did not know what to say. He hadn't felt so disrespected in all his life. Plus vegetables were yelling at him and it kind of freaked him out.
"Nobody cares about your plans for a Jesus beard or how women one day will think you're hot," the organic Romaine lettuce added. "You're a loser. You look like a retarded caveman and you're a loser. We spit on you."
"I don't understand what's happening," Little Johnny Damon cried. "Why do the vegetables hate me?"