I really want to go to this.

August 20 is the date for the 2006 UK Mobile Phone Throwing Championships.

It will be held at the Tooting Bec Athletics Track, and non-UK residents have the opportunity to chuck a busted Nokia for the glory of their homeland.

You get three throws for £5.00. They will provide the phones.

Buying the New Yorker 1996 - page 73

Check this out -- My two projects collide:

"I like to read The Times Literary Supplement over breakfast. It is an education. The TLS keeps me so busy I don't have time to read other magazines" - Nigel Planer

I'm not sure if the thinking is that Nigel Planer is going to be a draw for people who would not normally read the TLS or if the TLS is trying to reassure the sort of people who are likely to read it that they are still relevant.

The Times Literary Supplement is available to American subscribers quite independent to the Sunday Times. Every once in a while subscribers are given the opportunity to sign their friends or family up for a cheap four issue gift subscription. So every once in a while I get a few issues gratis. Which is nice as I see that the price of a subscription in America has almost doubled in ten years. Everyone wants to emulate Nigel Planer.

One of the things that I've learned while looking up these ten year old ads is that googling the 800 number is by far the most efficient at getting results. Searching for the 800 number here brings us to this site. Which then leads us here. To make a long story short, the Saint Raphael has been completed and soon the final of the luxury residences of Pelican Bay, the Cap D'Antibes, will be completed. Or perhaps it has done. The copyright on the website is 2004.

I'm not sure what sort of information about prostate cancer you would have been given for calling The Theragenics Center ten years ago, but nowadays you will get a DVD about seed therapy. If you don't know how seed therapy works on prostate cancer, well, let's just say you're in for a heck of a ride. Fire up the popcorn and get seated comfortably.

Vacanza Bella is

not a travel agency. We do not rent cars. We do not do home exchanges. We do not arrange hotels. We do not plan trips. We do not do France, Spain, Mexico, the Caribbean, or any other country.

They won't meet you in person, but they also don't want to deal with you exclusively by e-mail. They want to talk to you on the phone in order "to make absolutely certain that the Italian holiday home you've selected is right for you and your needs." The dude is passionate. Perhaps a little too passionate? Well, it seems like the sort of exactitude that comes from years of being yelled at by people who went somewhere without paying attention to the description of where they were going. Have a look at the FAQ, you'll see what I mean.

When the Hamilton catalog shows up I sit down and start marking it up for things I want. Then I go through and decide which of the things that I marked I'm actually willing to pay for (it's still quite a bit). Then my wife goes through and marks it up with what she wants. Then I go through it again, so I am sure just what I am going to order. At this point a new Hamilton catalog shows up, and we toss the one we marked up and start over. Occasionally we actually make an order. When that happens, you can be sure that a new Hamilton Catalog will show up every three days for the next eighteen months or so.

Hi Bob! Hi Stan! How's the go going?

I've decided that what this blog needs to lighten the tone and capture the imagination of all you potential readers is a pair of comical mascots.

May I introduce to you... Bob and Stan!


Stan is the one on the left. I just decided that.

How to contact me.

You can send a message to me at my spiffy new e-mail address:

xeniusjones [at] yahoo [dot] com

and I'll get back to you at some point (I have no idea how frequently I'll be checking it).

To get to me quicker, you can post a comment - and if you write something like "don't approve this" then I'll just read it myself and then delete it.

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans

A couple of weeks ago we got a phone call out of the blue.

One friend called with a sort of clipped "here are your instructions" voice to say that we were to appear at the apartment of our mutual friend at noon on Saturday. It sounded like the next thing that would happen was some sort of spy chase with packages behind water pipes and cell phone calls to unmarked phone booths and such.

We knew already that she was getting married later in the month, and her family were spending a lot of time declaring that "if [x] will be at your wedding, then I won't show." Finally, our friend decided to just jettison her family and all of the hassles that they were piling on, and just have a little ceremony with a room full of friends.

So we had a grand time. Two people who loved each other got married in a room full of people who were happy to be there, and then for a reception we all crammed into the kitchen and drank champagne (except the bride who only drinks beer) and had some food from the bakery down the street. There was talking and laughing and then the newlyweds got a lift to the airport for a long weekend away.

I was going to write about that here.

Last week I was called into my supervisor's office and was told that the office that I am in will be dismantled and absorbed into a group of other offices. As I am the office manager and much of my duties are spread across the various offices that will be absorbing my office, there is no specific unit that makes sense for the powers that be to put me. So, instead of trying to think of something, the decision has been made to lay me off.

Shitheads.

Currently I am still working, and will have steady work for at least a few months yet, I have money in the bank, and I am looking at this as an opportunity, rather than a setback. I've been making calls, taking meetings, writing up proposals and generally being (for the most part) astonishingly positive. I'll be spending some time in the next few weeks thinking about my career trajectory, and perhaps this blog's place in it. The thing that I learned on that lovely drizzly Saturday just a couple of weeks ago is that sometimes people being stupid and self-centered and just plain not thinking can help inspire you to go and do something simple and unexpected and wonderful without them.

There might be some big changes afoot. I'm looking forward to seeing what they are.

Greetings Blogger Helpdesk!

This post is so I can upload a screenshot of the thing that is happening to my interface more and more often. Any passersby who might have an idea as to what's going on, feel free to chime in.

Life on Mars

My most recent Comic Strip review brought me a recommendation for a program called Life on Mars. I took a look and found that the original British version will be starting on BBCAmerica late next month (an American version is in the pipeline as well).

To put icing on the experience, Life on Mars will apparently be the cornerstone of what they are calling the "Flashbacktion" programming block, which looks like it will include The Avengers and The Professionals at the very least.

And visitors to the BBCAmerica site should not miss their in-house blog, Anglophenia. It is odd and sort of fascinating, particularly in that it is able to maintain three tones at once:

1. "If you have never been to England, here's all the interesting little things that will make you want to come visit"
2. "If you are from England but have been abroad for a while, here's what you've been missing. Particularly if it was in The Sun."
3. "I want to shag my television set."

Buying the New Yorker 1996 - page 69

When I had a look at the 2006 French Country Waterways ad, I mentioned how minimal it was. Here it is a decade earlier and apart from the word "Bliss" it is exactly the same (The word for 2006 is "Irresistible.") I notice that their recent ads are a bit more ornate. I'd like to think that I had a small hand in that.

The Vermont Bird Company has gone out of business. Fortunately, the Cashmere Watchcap lives on at the Golightly Cashmere Company. "Year after year, their ad was placed in the New Yorker and year after year, their following grew." It's like they knew I was coming! The price has been bumped to $125 and the colors have been adapted to the whims of our current decade. Gone is the intriguing "Bright Booby Foot Blue" and in its place is the cunningly named "a suggestion of pink." Time marches on!

Verbatim is a blog now. The actual magazine seems not to have been published since 2004. You can still order back issues and download them as pdf files. I now present the very first sentence of the first article of the last issue: "Name giving among the Xhosa of South Africa takes on other proportions than in a Euro-Western context." Perhaps they have an article on color-naming in expensive cashmere product production.

Hey Inca Floats! You already had an ad on page 29. Remember? The Valentine's Day one? You're starting to look all desperate.

The Gordon S Converse Company doesn't just specialize in clocks, they also have quite an eye for doggerel:

Converse is the site for clocks-
to help keep track of ticks and tocks.
We have a style for every taste--
don't let a minute go to waste!

Cut through that stuff and have a look at some gorgeous old clocks.

The comic strip, part 35 - I get so angry when the teardrops start

"Detectives on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown" - April 22, 1993

Billions of years ago when I was young I spent half a year saving up for a book called "The ITV Encyclopedia of Adventure" by Dave Rogers. In those days before the internet, it cost $55 to get an import copy of a book that had a list price of £9.95. This book was close to 600 pages of wonders, television programs that I was quite familiar with (The Avengers, The Prisoner) shows that I had heard whispers of, but had no hope of ever seeing in my lifetime (Ace of Wands, Sapphire and Steel) and finally a huge number of programs that I had never heard of. It was like an entire other world was opening up. All of these things had been made and broadcast. Millions of people had watched them. And, of course, many of them had been deleted long ago. Lost forever before I had even a clue that they existed in the first place.

My heavens I poured over that book. I learned all about Man in a Suitcase and Special Branch, and when I, through the magic of videotape trading, was able to get blurry, washed out seventh generation copies of things like Kinvig and The Adventures of Sir Lancelot, I jumped at them.

I say this here because I want to get across just how incredibly strange it is to see this episode. When Jim Broadbent arrives in the role of "Shouting George of The Weeney," I know exactly what he is sending up, even though I've never seen an episode of The Sweeney in my life.

I think that in the course of my life I have seen a grand total of three still photographs of Peter Wynegard. (apart from the episode of Doctor Who where he swishes across Lanzarote in a burkha), and that is the total of my experience with Jason King. But when Peter Richardson swishes in as Jason Bentley, I know precisely what is being referenced.

Bonehead and Foyle - well, we've met them before. They're meant to be The Professionals (as I understand it) and I know about them because Rogers cunningly entered their previous Comic Strip adventure in the book as well. And here they are again. The Professionals used to show up at two in the morning in the summertime now and then. I think I've seen about seven minutes total, and as far as I can recall it all has to do with different images of sportscars pulling up to park in front of pubs.

The odd man out, for me at least, is "Northern Detective" Dave Spanker. I suspect that the show he is supposed to be sending up was broadcast after The ITV Encyclopedia of Adventure was published. Still, I get the drift about what sort of show it was.

The musical numbers could be a reference to Cop Rock, but I would prefer to imagine that it was never shown in the UK and the Comic Strip production team were just having fun.

This is the first episode of the last real season that the Comic Strip has had to date, and it is sort of odd. On the one hand, once again, they go to what seems like a sequel, but really it isn't. The Bonehead and Foyle in this episode are the same as the ones in The Bullshitters, but if they were invented for this episode, it would work just as well. Sort of like if Bad News had wandered in through Private Enterprise, it would be weird but it would make sense.

Finally, I am nerd enough to know that at the time this was being made a group of television fans were searching out and compiling locations from various shows. The manor house, for example, looks like every other manor house that The Avengers or The Persuaders or The Champions or whatever would go pulling up to in the course of their investigations. It all looks familiar like that. So when I saw one shot in this episode:

I had to do a little digging, as it looked sort of like the exterior of Steed's flat from the color seasons of The Avengers. That would be a smart little in-joke. Unfortunately it wasn't to be. The Avengers filming was done in Dutchess Mews and looks more like this:


Close though -- I get points for trying.

And on a more personal note

It is looking more and more certain that unless something unforseen happens I am going to be laid off from my job in the fall.

I'll write more as the details come in and I have the inclination to relate them here.

Fainting Goats

Let's all learn more about the myotonic goats that were mentioned in the previous post!

Buying the New Yorker 1996 - page 41

All of the ads on this page fall into the category of "Homes & Estates." I'm not sure why they need to delegate a page for this every other issue as we've seen that there is already quite a lot of ads like this.

For example, here's more from Kiawah Island. We just saw them a page ago. Bless their hearts. Here they are from the satellite. Heaven's, there's a lot of golfing to be done.

The website for the "London Flats" and "Cotswold Cottages" didn't look too promising, and sure enough, it brings up a 404 error. So I tried just the domain, ditell.com. It's now part of the Overstock.com travel network, and is a conduit for info about Park City, Utah. Time and the internet will eventually sweep all clean.

Bonnie Bachman seems to still be in the realty game, but as the industry is a slippery one, I can't quite find my way to a site that is definitely hers. Meanwhile, Google seems absolutely convinced that the person I am trying to find information on is Tal Bachman (His website is down at the moment but continue on to his message board so you can talk about "all things Tal"). So in addition to looking around all sorts of half-active realty sites for places that I don't want to live in, I have that blasted "She's So High Above Me" song wedged in my head.

When I found my way to the Vacances Provancales Vacations site, I saw that it has a tab for "barging." My first reaction was that they mean as in "barging into someone's house and taking it over as a vacation rental." No, they mean those seven day river cruises. Just picture yourself in a boat on a river. (I say that only as an attempt to get the last song out of my head. It didn't work.)

The Farnum & Christ Page has weekly flat lets starting at £700 ($1,288 by my reckoning). Not too much of an increase in ten years. Until you notice that the $1,014 price in the 1996 ad included airfare. Which would have been an astonishingly good deal. Unless the ad means that the $1.014 is the deal they can get you on airfare when you let a flat from them. If I might venture an opinion, I would have to say that the phrase "English Charm with American Standards" seems to me more of a compromise than an aspirational goal, but then I also think that "Farnum & Christ" sounds like a perfect name for a most excellent circus.

Fearrington, North Carolina was originally a farm. Now it is being done up as a "relaxed country community." In other words, retirement. Of course, they want to downplay the "we're just a bunch of old people" angle by saying that they are "full of . . .Fascinating people of all ages." Bonus!: They have recently acquired "a wonderful herd of Belted Tennessee Fainting Goats. . . . Named for their muscular condition known as 'myotonic,' the fainting goats do not truly 'faint' but stiffen when startled."

Again, the internet proves me wrong.

Three Alaskan wineries have now come to my attention since my last post:

Alaskan Wilderness Wines is up in Kodiak, and do small batches of local fruits and honeymead. They have a salmonberry wine. I have no idea what salmonberry tastes like, but their labels all have a big ol' bear whacking a salmon out of a river. I'll bet salmonberry goes well with salmon. The mead with "wild fireweed petal" looks intriguing too.

Great Land Wines has a bunch of interesting things: Pomme de Terre (potato wine), Zwiebel (onion wine), and wine made from something called the porcupine carrot. They also have a rhubarb wine.

Denali Winery actually makes grape wine, but they are a little coy about where the grapes are grown. No matter, as if the climate keeps up the way it has been, Alaska will soon be a haven for vineyards, except perhaps Anchorage (where Denali Winery is) because it will be underwater. You win a few, you lose a few.

One less "stupid boy project" for me

One of the lingering effects of America's abortive experiment with the prohibition of alcohol in the early twentieth century is the arcane and complex set of laws regarding the shipment and sale of wine, beer and spirits between states. (You can read much more about the state of such things here.)

A year ago, when the Supreme Court ruled that it is illegal to allow in-state shipments without allowing out-of-state shipments, I thought that an excellent way to celebrate would be to try to get some wine from every state in the union.

I've been beaten to the punch. Every Friday, Lenn Thompson (who also runs the marvelous Lenndevours blog) updates the Wine Sediments blog with the latest in his "50 States. 50 Wineries. 50 Weeks" project.

He's on week six today (a pineapple wine from Hawaii), and it is looking like a very interesting trip. I'm particularly curious to see how and when he deals with California, as it is rather the big gorilla in the room. I'm also wondering about Alaska, as when I was considering doing this myself, I couldn't find any Alaskan wineries.

I feel like I'm kicking off my shoes at the moon, makes no difference if I don't get them back soon.

There's a new Loud Family album coming out next month!

The Loud Family is fronted by Scott Miller, who was the power behind what (if I had to choose) was my favorite band back in the eighties, Game Theory.

As is generally the case when a new record is on the way, the band's website has been upgraded, and many mp3's have been put up for the enjoyment of potential CD purchasers.

Including Game Theory rarities.

Including an extended, alternate version of "Chardonnay," which is one of the best songs off of their best album.

I had no idea that this was exactly what I was needing to listen to at the end of a long and difficult week, but holy crap I am so happy now.

The latest from the high energy, danger-packed, live on the razor's edge, Fight Club-esque world of daily newspaper culture columnists

Richard Roeper says: "I came up with the idea of running multiple items in a single column." (last item in this multiple-item single column here.)

Eric Zorn says: Like heck he did.

The Comic Strip, Part 34 - If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?

"I am on this account not displeased that the figure is not known as a Eagle, but looks more like a Turkey. For the truth the Turkey is in comparison a much more respectable bird, and withal a true original native of America . . . He is besides, though a little vain & silly, a bird of courage, and would not hesitate to attack a grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his farm yard with a red coat on."

--Benjamin Franklin

"Wild Turkey" - December 24, 1992

Ruby Wax and Paul Bartel are both American. Bartel was from Brooklyn and although studied in California and Italy, maintained the Metro New York area as his base for his entire (too short) life. Ruby Wax was born in the same Chicago suburb that I was.

I have no idea why either one of them didn't take a moment in the production of this episode to say "You know, Americans don't say 'Happy Christmas,' they say 'Merry Christmas.'" They also would know that Americans don't call turkeys "turks," don't use party poppers, and, more often than not, eat ham for Christmas dinner. (Because Christmas is just a month past Thanksgiving, when we do eat a gigantic turkey, the leftovers of which are just about gone when Christmas comes around and if someone wheels another big turkey at us we'll just get sick at the sight of it.)

I suspect that Bartel went along with whatever was thrown at him because he knew that this episode was a pastiche and was playing to the British stereotype. Ruby Wax, I'll be charitable for this fake Christmas and just say that, well, this is her stock in trade.

This is a one-off Christmas special, and it has a weird feel to it. Apart from a special effects shot at the end, the whole episode takes place on one set that's laid out like a stage play (we even get one of those immense fake skylines that has multiple light levels so it can change with the time of day, like in Rope). The episode itself feels like six people locked themselves in a room with a bunch of paper and a couple of bottles of tequila, and spent a fun weekend lobbing ideas at each other and sort of took notes. Then, after they had all passed out someone else came in, scooped up the notes and did their best to make sense of it. This is the only reason I can come up with for them to have (as an example) made the immense gun-wielding turkey a bacitracin addict. It's one of those details that is either complete genius or the result of some other idea that's gone completely haywire.

Buying the New Yorker 1996 - page 39

The Cartwright Hotel has left the Kimpton Group. It has been renovated again and is now owned by Magna Hotels. You know, someday I'm going to stay at one of these hotels. I will certainly impress the concierge with my insider knowledge.

There was an ad for Replacements Ltd. in my 2006 version of this. Their website says that they've been in business for 25 years. So perhaps we'll see them again when I go through the 1986 version. They will be all embarrassed about how the ad shows off their mullet haircut and parachute pants.

Ville et Village has expanded beyond France, adding Italy, Spain and Portugal. I took a look at their current newsletter, which had an article about how staying in a rented house in a foreign countryside can be interesting for kids. "The simple act of exploring a foreign culture can be a huge adventure with children along. Figuring out all the different ways to flush the toilet is great fun." They also saw a trained warthog! I want to see a trained warthog and learn about French toilets. Heck, I just need a vacation.

(My wife adds: perhaps the warthog can flush the toilet! That would be exciting and somehow quite French.)

Discoveries still makes the personalized cartouches, as well as importing all sorts of ancient Egyptish goodies. Always wanted a statue of Anubis to guard the tomato plants? Here's where you go.

When I saw the 2006 ad for Kiawah, I commented that there was nothing on the calendar of events. I looked again. Still nothing. Perhaps when I go on vacation with my traveling circus of toilet-flushing warthogs, we can go there. They're dying for entertainment - I'll rake in the big bucks.

The Comic Strip, Part 33 - Is there concrete all around, or is it in my head?

"The Crying Game" - May 5, 1992

Hey look! Just in time for the World Cup!


This is another one that I've spent a lot of time on - a couple of weeks, in fact. I've decided to ditch most of my thoughts as they add no value to the internet. Ultimately, my deleted ramblings about this episode end up here:

I have no doubt that sooner or later some professional team sport athlete will come out of the closet. The trouble is, that it will have to be a marquee player, just like in this episode. That is really the only way that they will be kept on the team. If it is some third-string backup player, it will never happen, they'll just be cut loose. So what is in some way meant to be a satire, in the light of day, is not really. Mark my words. This is a blueprint for what will happen. I'm looking forward to it, to tell you the truth.

That, and I really like prosthetic chin guy, on the left there.

Buying the New Yorker 1996 - page 36

The website for Endless Pools is still up, and the photo from the print ad is one of the photos in the loop on the home page. I've never quite understood these things, because I've always figured that if you can afford to get one because you don't have the space for a regular sized pool, you can probably afford to move to a place where you can. And if you can't, why not join a gym? Of course I can't crunch the numbers - you need to log in and request the informational DVD before they will share costs and particulars with you.

"As seen in Paris" could easily be "My nephew went on a school trip to France and I forced him to walk around in one of these for an hour." Clark's Register does not seem to be offering these cardigans anymore. They do have tons of other stuff. They seem to be marketing to men in their mid-to-late thirties who like to think of themselves as fashionable yet casual slackers even though they are earning in the upper five figures and the neighborhood children think that they are dorks. In other words, once I get a promotion, me.

This ring is made of three different colored bands of gold. The picture is in black and white. Advertising genius or huge mistake? You be the judge. The jeweler (Marc Simon) seems to have gone out of business.

Classic Journeys is still around and they've expanded to include "Culinary Tours" and "Family Journeys." The "Culinary Tours" look more focused on the "hands-on learning" rather than the "we're going to go from restaurant to restaurant and in between we will wheel you over to the sights so you can burp at them." By "Family Journeys," they mean bring your kids.

"We've scouted out cool stuff like a nighttime safari, mountain biking on the wide medieval walls of an Italian city, and rafting down the Flathead River. Choose our family vacation package and get your hands dirty in craft sessions with local artisans... and join kid-sensitive tours of must-see landmarks. And if you worry about picky appetites, stop. We find the local specialties kids love -- pizza, fondue, picnic fare -- as well as plenty of chances for the adventuresome to try new tastes."

The phrase "kid-sensitive tours of must-see landmarks" just gave me a headache.

Geographic Expeditions looks a lot more hardcore. And a lot more expensive. But on the plus side I'll bet that during the 25 days that you can spend semi-circumnavigating Antarctica on an icebreaker, you won't be bothered by a squadron of young schmedleys whining about how they want Chuck E Cheese or they won't eat at all. Or if you do, you can watch in quiet reverie as their hunger ratchets up to the point where they start gobbling down a bucket of chum.

"There's no artistic statement in our detention basin."

Of course not.

Akira Kurosawa Whiskey ads

During the filming of Kagemusha, which means they were filmed and broadcast in Japan around 1979-80. Look for Francis Ford Coppola in some of them, providing the germ of the idea for Lost in Translation.

Science continues to work for you.

This fellow is eating nothing but monkey chow for a week. Just to see what happens.

We're already on day three. Result so far: His poop smells bad and he wants to eat something else.

Contemporary superstition will help increase your vocabulary

The lexidiem is hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia.

God save strawberry jam and all the different varieties

Oh No!

Things I lose, things I find.

Readers with a keen eye will notice that the web address for my blog has nothing to do with its name. My original thought was that this would be a forum for me to comment on all of the things that I have accumulated throughout my life.

I gave up on that rather quickly and changed the name. The web address remains the same.

To help facilitate a construction project that is going on in my house, I have been in the process of boxing up all of the things that I have accumulated in the attic room that I have used as the landing space for what I have broadly defined as "my goofy crap."

Hopefully soon it will be emptied so that the ceiling can be replaced and then will come the rapturous process of unpacking. I hope to detail this process here.

So right now the stuff on the top layers have been packed up and are somewhat inaccessible, which makes things a little awkward - for example, just a couple of days ago I offered to scan a yearish old magazine article - and now I can't find the magazine. It is buried.

In the meantime, I'm finding all sorts of old things. I just came across a videotape I made of The Comic Strip from the MTV broadcasts. Now I can find out for certain what was cut from whatever episodes might be on the tape. And in another box -- The first Massive Attack album! On cassette tape! I can't remember buying this. I feel so proud of myself. I'm going to have to dig out a tape player so I can listen to it.

But it looks like the box it was in has been buried as well.